Wednesday, June 10, 2015

Beyoncé Announces Pledge to Veganism, Beekeepers In Panic

On Monday singer Beyoncé Knowles, who goes by the moniker “Beyoncé,” went on Good Morning America to reveal the future of her dietary trajectory.

The 33-year old last Destiny Child standing teased her vegan announcement prior to appearing on the early-as-fuck TV program that only full-time employed dads and sad substitute teachers watch and subsequently disappointed her entire fan base who had hopes for another album or tour.

It was the “WTF” heard around the world: thousands of devoted Beyoncé fans took to the streets (and by the streets we do mean the updated 2015 version: “took to Instagram”) to express their anger and disappoint in the form of thousands of meticulously curated emojis. But their animosity has spread way past social media.

Several members of the “beehive” were reportedly sent to the hospital after experiencing minor trauma from excessive Internet trolling. However, many more were sent to the hospital after physically assaulting a slew of active beehives across the nation in a blind rage.

Beekeepers around the nation are paralyzed with fear that angry “stans” will leave their honey bee colonies in complete disarray and chaos, leaving thousands, if not millions and trillions--JK more like thousands because the bee population is decreasing at an alarming rate due to phenomenon known as colony collapse disorder—but OMG soon bees will be the PERFECT #TBT LOL—without a hive to come back to.

The New York Beekeeper Association has released a statement regarding the recent line of attacks: “Stop.”

Although the unwarranted attacks seem to be subsiding due to attention being shifted to supermodel Kate Moss being kicked off a plane and allegedly calling the pilot a ‘basic bitch,’ Beyoncé is still standing strong with her plan to remain vegan. Although there are no future plans for a studio release, tour, or Blue Ivy follow-up, the singer asks that you stop harassing the beekeeping community. 

Friday, March 27, 2015


Hey nuggets!

Long time, no blog!

But you can keep up with me at my new website where I'll be posting new work regularly!



Thursday, September 18, 2014

Hi..Atus :(

Greetings, nuggets!

I know I haven't updated my blog in a New York minute (which is equivalent to approximately 19  seconds -- the amount of time it takes to sigh when none of your metro cards have money on them). I've been super busy with a slew of projects: school, work, writing for CREEM, continuing work on my book, and plotting a coup d'état on the cupcake ATM that opened up on the Upper East Side. I'm also pleased to make my debut on The Huffington Post

Unfortunately, all of this calamity is usurping my attention from things I had time to update when I had, well, time. This is by no means a farewell, just a "see ya later" or as I like to say, "I am deeply committed to not taking the initiative to make plans with you." Just kidding!

But seriously.
But actually.
But Beyoncé.

I'll update this blog as much as I can, but, in the meantime, make sure to follow my general trajectory into insanity by following any of the social media links you see on the right side of this page! 

Much love always,

Sunday, August 17, 2014

What Your Clothing Says to a Retail Associate

As I prepare to start graduate school in NYC, I've been saving money (and mentally compiling a slew of observations) by working at a consignment boutique. And I know the Internet loves, I mean LOVES, lists. So, here's another one:

Toe ring: You smoked a cigarette in an I-Hop bathroom once.

Camo pants: You bought a giftcard to Applebee's at 3 A.M. at a gas station once.

Tie dye maxi dress and DIY autumnal-colored earrings: You have a WholeFoods card on your keychain and ran your own psychic hotline in college to make an extra buck.

Modest tunic: Your friends call you "Ms. Flagrant Display of Civic Virtue" behind your back.

A pastel colored suit: You've written a scathing Yelp review about a strip mall store that sells windchimes.

Linen pants and any jewelry designed by Brighton: You fucking love tapas.

Intensely hued headband: You ask a lot of questions regarding the ambiguity of an assignment's due date and everyone in your class hates you for it because class could have been let out early.

Matching athletic wear and a headband: You're fucking adamant about getting ice cream TOGETHER as a GROUP after the scrimmage.

Vera Bradley bag: You have tickets to see Ingrid Michaelson this weekend.

Vera Bradley bag with matching Vera Bradley wallet: You're going to buy more Vera Bradley.

(Menswear) Tommy Bahama: You've dropped your AMEX into a ramekin filled with ketchup once.

Brooks Brothers: You're in a high enough tax brackett to have your ketchup served in a ramekin.

A crossbody bag with a shirt that says something inspirational on it: You bought the Love and Other Drugs deluxe DVD package just to watch the bonus deleted scenes.

JNCO's: Your credit card will be declined.

Gladiator sandals: You've Shazam'd the intro song for a show on MTV.

A Talbots suit and a strand of pearls: You have an ashtray next to a rotary phone that somehow always has a perpetually lit cigarette in it.

Designer sunglasses: You can only be reached via assistant.

Tuesday, August 12, 2014

What's Behind the Punchline, and Why We Should Never Stop Talking About It

On the heels of Robin Williams’ tragic death by virtue of suicide, many are shining light on the fact that often the funniest people are also, the saddest. The unequivocal truth behind those words resonated with me in a way words won’t do justice. Humor has always been my saving grace. No matter what cards life has dealt me—good or bad—I’ve always searched for the humor in them. “How can I spin this to make it funny?” “How can I write it in a way that will deliver a knee-slapper from my readers?” This is how I’ve approached almost every situation I’ve encountered. And as a comic, that is what keeps me going. It’s not a bad thing.

The poison lies in the debilitation. When we can’t reach out. When the crippling claws of depression dig so deep into our psyche we can’t fathom functioning at a normal human capacity. As someone who suffers from depression, anxiety, and OCD, humor is my oxygen, and also my kryptonite. But when it comes down to it, it’s no joke. Depression is blind when seeking its victims. It doesn’t care who you are or where you come from or how much money you have in your pocket. As someone who had seen suicide as the panic button that was always available in the darkest of times, I had recognized how dangerous that thought was—and immediately sought help. But I’ve witnessed some who didn’t recognize the danger their own thoughts harbored, and sought refuge by pressing that button.

I’m a firm believer of no-holds barred humor. Everything is on the table. Offensive or cheesy. Witty or just blatantly immature. Laughter is one of the greatest gifts we can give, and I wish nothing more than to bring more of it to this world. No matter how you derive the punchline, the objective will always be to get your audience to laugh. But as so many use humor to bury the pain they feel, it’s important to never stop talking about mental illness. It is a fight not many are willing to admit, and even more who choose to remain blissfully ignorant until it’s too late. We will laugh, and we will cry. But we must always talk. Never neglect those whose public image seems nothing out of the ordinary. Rip the mask off. And sometimes, you have to forcibly rip it off. Yes, tweet the National Suicide Prevention hotline. Share my essay and anyone else’s. But look at those closely around you. Really look at them, really closely. What do you think they’re thinking about at the end of the day? Ask yourself, “what can I do or say that might shine a different ray of light on this person’s life?” Hug them. Tell them you love them. And laugh. Because life is funny. You should laugh.  But realize sometimes that laughter is a tool to conceal deeply-rooted a pain. I cannot make it anymore abundantly clear: mental illness IS manageable. The chemical infrastructure of your brain is NOT a hopeless puzzle. If you or anyone you know struggles with depression or any form of mental illness, realize it is not the end of your life. You have the power within to continue pursuing your dreams. You can learn to live with it. When all one sees is black, and they’re stumbling around to find door, or if they have given up on looking for it: there could be something you can do today to open it from the other side.  

R.I.P Robin Williams
Thank you for all the laughs you gave me every Sunday growing up. My dad and I would watch your movies when my mom went to work. I'll never stop watching them.

Monday, July 28, 2014

On Millennial Jargon

As a pariah of the Gen Y demographic, I'm constantly behind on slang's public birth on the digital landscape. Now, don't be mistaken; I'm an active participant in the hashtagging community. In fact, I sleep with a hashtag under my pillow in hopes the Tooth Fairy will gift me with more Instagram followers while I sleep. But as what I lovingly refer to as "millennial jargon," e.g. "bae" (before anyone else)* and "thot" (that hoe over there) introduce themselves to the Internet vernacular, I can't help but be fascinated with the perpetual need to abbreviate lingo that has made terms like "babe" and "harlot" archaic. (Ok, I know I'm dating myself with "harlot." For you millennials, "harlot" was the "thot" of the Crusades or any other Jesus-oriented wars. I'm still a firm proponent of the term and will continue to use it in everyday conversation and cover letters).

As someone with a communications degree, I can't help but scrutinize the origin of this vocabulary attaining ubiquity in our media-iundated age. I learned what "bae" a few weeks ago. Immediately I thought: "how do I qualify to become one's bae?" "What are the prerequisites to earning this title?""Is there paperwork and will my fee be waived if I have over 1,000 Twitter followers?" AND HERE I AM CALLING EVERYONE DARLIN' OR SUGAR! It's NO WONDER I'm single! It's either that or because I make everyone I date wear a Celtic cloak during foreplay. But I digress.

And then there's "thot." Who would have THOT?! HA! Please keep reading, I'll simmer down with the puns. Are we no longer deeming those with shameless promiscuous tendencies as "sluts" or "Greg Mania's"??? I don't mean to sound like a cranky parent, but what the fuck (WTF) is triggering this visceral need to amalgamate terms of endearment/derogatory intentions into a monosyllabic word whose definition can only be found on

I'm an old fashioned soul. I call those I care about "babe," I open doors for people, and I blow my date before appetizers. Is there any hope of keeping these traditions alive? How fast will words like "bae" and "thot" seep their way into everyday face-to-face conversation? When will Dateline air a special on it? DID ANYONE EVEN ASK CHRISTIANE AMANPOUR ABOUT HOW SHE FEELS ABOUT IT? These are the things that keep my mind churning and wondering. Perhaps if we remain cognizant, media literate, and THOTFUL (LOL), we can maintain proper usage and language but also have fun on the Internet and come up with new, fun terminology like "CO-ED" (Constantly Overcome with Existential Dread).

*Disclaimer: when I say "bae" I mean the term we appropriated from black culture to what is now, an acronym.

Monday, June 23, 2014

Why You Should Date Someone Who Wears an Ankle Monitor (And 7 Other Things You Should Do In Your 20’s)

1. Date someone who wears an ankle monitor
Because they will be the one who won't get away. 

2. Live in a satanic windmill
Because there's no such thing as building too much character in your 20's.

3. Delete Tinder, Grindr, and OkCupid...and download B-Keep
Find local single beekeepers in your area!!!

4. Dip your hair in blood and write 'WTF' on a college's financial aid office window, because RIGHT????
With the exorbitant cost of attending higher education exponentially increasing, why NOT raise awareness to make education more affordable?

5. Start a punk band
Call it something FUN and MARKETABLE, like The Sexual Pen Pals or the Marlboro Menthol Maidens.

6. Travel
Go see the world. Go make beads in India and meditate on the time you sported a center part in your hair freshman year. Throw your iPhone against a wall at Stonehenge. Take a blood oath on a gay cruise. The world is yours.

7. Take an adult evening computer class at your local community college
Invite your peers over for tapas and talk about how much you fucking love summer solstice. 

8. Embrace the crippling anxiety regarding the general trajectory of your future
Average student loan debt climbed to $29,400 in 2013.