Wednesday, August 28, 2013

America's Obituary

At the enfeebled age of 237, our beloved America has passed away at the mere thought of the content broadcasted by MTV becoming culturally relevant. Arriving in a limbo of misguided cultural appropriation, inappropriate cultural stigmata, and more gratuitous usage of the word "culture," our dearest U.S. of Austin Mahone has officially perished once the Oxford English Dictionary recognized "twerk" as an official entry/Kid Rock won't stop asking us to smell his fingers.

America grew up a young fledgling, abruptly penetrated by white people seeking prosperity/killing brown people. Ushering in an age of independence, America quickly recognized its influence by FUCKING OTHER PEOPLE'S SHIT UP/TAYLOR SWIFT.

America enjoyed a plethora of hobbies including: war, Dannon Activia®, freedom, pilates, Suze Orman, The Verve's "Bittersweet Symphony," Tumblr, CNN, Miley Cyrus' thigh gap/hypotenuse, "Whose Line Is It Anyway?", cops, Ryan Seacrest, Sweet Home Alabama, PornHub.com, the name "Todd," nationalism, Pandora (online radio/'s Box), and Choco Tacos.

America's unfortunate downfall was documented to have started when MTV stopped airing music videos and became a camera left on a trailer home. Her industries became a self-perpetuating machine fanning the flames of gossip and competition between ARTISTS and OTHER ARTISTS and THE VERVE'S "BITTERSWEET SYMPHONY" (which was rumored to become the new national anthem subsequent to Cruel Intentions' release in 1999).

We like to think America has moved on to a better place, and doing what she loves most: listening to "Bittersweet Symphony," watching HSN (DON'T WORRY SUZANNE SOMERS WE'LL ALWAYS LOVE YOU AND YOUR HORMONE CREAMS ARE THESE ON SALE THIS WEEK), and reading Buzzfeed.com.

P.S. In other news, we heard Ben Affleck was cast as "Syria." CRAZY, right?!?!


Tuesday, August 20, 2013

Celebrity Search Histories

A list of celebrities' search histories has surfaced on the web! Here is an excerpt of what has leaked:


LADY GAGA:

VISCERAL WARHOLIAN EXPERIENCES
SWANS AND SHAPES 
HOW TO INSTALL A DEUS EX MACHINA IN UNDER 30 MINUTES 
HOW DO I TURN OFF CAPS LOCK
how do i grow a prolific kumquat tree in my hair
art
pop


AMANDA BYNES:

how do i tell my friends I sleep in a closet
"Sandstorm" mp3 download
will the internet explode if i call someone pretty
where do dreams go to die
etsy hope in a jar

KANYE WEST:

KANYE WEST
KANYE WEST
KANYE WEST
KANYE WEST
KANYE WEST

KIM KARDASHIAN:

How do i make my hair smell like a malibu baybreeze
compass
is latitude a cute name for a baby
webmd diagnosis do i have NSA? :(
what if my husband is lying to me about his race

CHRIS CHRISTIE:

ruby tuesday's specials on Friday
define prick
2 for 20
what happens if a twink isn't sucking a lollipop in a gay porn?!?!
paula deen

KRISTEN STEWART:

DIY hexes
is the blair witch subletting a room
images children sulking
is there a portal behind zooey deschanel's bangs
why

Tuesday, August 13, 2013

Horoscopes

ARIES
You're feeling unsure about whether you should pursue career opportunities or romantic possibilities. Do neither. Read "Madame Bovary" and do some RatchetSauce. It's this new drug that ALL the kids are doing (2 tsp Codeine, 1 tsp bath salts, 1/2 tsp of Selsun Blue, and 1 lbs of Olive Garden Endless Breadsticks®. Mix well. Serve at room temperature). Cry furiously into your less-than-impressive Chia Pet and watch An Inconvenient Truth. What is your inconvenient truth? Mine is youth.

TAURUS
Feeling uncertain about making the right decision? Questioning if your life is going in the right direction? Can you believe it's not butter? Do not lose sleep over thoughts that overwhelm you such as wondering if you can pay your rent this month, if your relationship is stable, and what Narnia's stance on gay marriage is.

GEMINI
A cancer will fall in love with you and you will break their heart resulting in a very bitter cancer, BUT IT'S OKAY BECAUSE HIS BITTERNESS IS HIS TICKET TO COMEDIC NOTORIETY ON THE INTERNET SO IT'S FINE FOR F/W 2013.  

CANCER
Oh, those summer nights! You've got a tough road ahead of you, cancer. Be wary of meeting Javier from OkCupid.com because he's into butt stuff. But so are you, you dirty slut!!!! He'll TOTALLY let you jerk him off with your tears. Do not be scared to try new things!

LEO
Passionate leo, beware, for the stars are out to FUCK YOU UP. You will walk into White House|Black Market and because your name isn't "Vivian", you will be rolled up in an oriental rug and thrown into an estuary. If your name is Vivian, then you will receive a complimentary tote and something saucy from the latest fall collection sure to invigorate those dormant man-juices your husband has been anxiously awaiting to discharge like a broken fire hydrant in Brooklyn during the summer.

VIRGO
Well, well, well you hot-headed little virgin you! Do YOU think you got what it takes to be America's Next Top Prude? Because MAYBE you do! Stop saying things like "gosh," "darn," and "pass the Gardisil!!!" because we're judging you in our heads.

LIBRA
You're feeling FIRED UP this month, Libra! Dip your hair in blood and write WHO CARES? on the University of Phoenix's office windows as soon as you find out which gas station it's behind, because RIGHT???

SCORPIO
You like to make progress, particularly in your professional life. Be sure to write an exceptional cover letter and refrain from ending sentences in prepositions because your future employer is a total grammar nit-picker Jew-empress. Question your decisions and thoroughly think through ALL your options before executing your final choice. Review modifying clauses and splitting infinitives.

SAGITTARIUS 
Be sure to spend lots of time with loved ones in the next two weeks. Have your family over and offer them some wine such as Pinot Grigio, Chardonnay, or Denny's Grand Slamvignon.

CAPRICORN 
Do whatever Suze Orman says.

AQUARIUS 
You are feeling DEMANDING! Sheesh! You will find yourself standing outside your favorite One Direction member's house yelling yourself hoarse until they agree to take you out for 2 for $20 at Applebee's. Do NOT order the fajitas. You will find $10 on the ground outside on the parking lot. If you ordered the fajitas (after I specifically told you NOT too, you rebellious, dirty, probably-cried-during-the-critical reading-portion-of-the-SATs, Aquarius, you), then use the $10 to treat yourself to a colonic.

PISCES 
Things are going to be a roller coaster for you in the next few weeks, Pisces. Stand your ground! Tell Mr. Clean that you will NOT smell his fingers anymore. But be prepared to get in trouble! You will be fined $5,000 and a piece of your 401K will be shredded for breathing too heavily on the scones at Williams-Sonoma. You will get kicked out of a Trans-Siberian Orchestra concert for taking too much NyQuil and maiming a fog machine. Ugh! You mess!

Wednesday, August 7, 2013

Unemployment for S/S 2013

The calamity of post-grad life has yielded many new opportunities and anxieties. While I'm anxiously awaiting my return to NYC, I've been keeping busy with a myriad of projects such as contributing to Creem Magazine, continuing my freelance work and of course designing a plethora of fashion disasters that I can't wait to debut! Oh, and I've embarked on a new endeavor as I continue to make a mark on the selfie generation...

But first
As some of you may or may not know, I'm writing a book called "BORN TO BE PUBLIC." "BORN TO BE PUBLIC" (BORN TO BE PUBLIC all capitalized because I never know when to capitalize the TO or BE or NEITHER in BORN TO BE PUBLIC due to various conflicting grammar rules I've perused in various reputable style manuals such as the THE CHICAGO MANUAL OF STYLE and WEBMD.COM) is a compilation of comedic tales about my journey through NYC nightlife in the digital age. Although still in the early stages of buffering, BoRn tO bE PuBliC maintains academic discipline but seeks to enlighten (inspire) and entertain (entertain) while seamlessly juxtaposing the raunchy humor my readers are accustomed to reading. With chapters like "Our Lady of False Eyelashes," "The Gay Syllabus," and even the title of this blog post; I hope when the time comes you'll have as much fun reading it as I am having writing it.

P.S- If you're a representative for Random House/Penguin Group/any other publishing conglomerate, I promise I can present myself with restraint and grace (but still a FIRM proponent of bribery) and will relentlessly work hard to deliver you a best seller.

Also, hire me. (I heard there's a muffin basket involved ;)))))))

XOXO,
Greg "Overdraft" Mania