Wednesday, August 28, 2013

America's Obituary

At the enfeebled age of 237, our beloved America has passed away at the mere thought of the content broadcasted by MTV becoming culturally relevant. Arriving in a limbo of misguided cultural appropriation, inappropriate cultural stigmata, and more gratuitous usage of the word "culture," our dearest U.S. of Austin Mahone has officially perished once the Oxford English Dictionary recognized "twerk" as an official entry/Kid Rock won't stop asking us to smell his fingers.

America grew up a young fledgling, abruptly penetrated by white people seeking prosperity/killing brown people. Ushering in an age of independence, America quickly recognized its influence by FUCKING OTHER PEOPLE'S SHIT UP/TAYLOR SWIFT.

America enjoyed a plethora of hobbies including: war, Dannon Activia®, freedom, pilates, Suze Orman, The Verve's "Bittersweet Symphony," Tumblr, CNN, Miley Cyrus' thigh gap/hypotenuse, "Whose Line Is It Anyway?", cops, Ryan Seacrest, Sweet Home Alabama, PornHub.com, the name "Todd," nationalism, Pandora (online radio/'s Box), and Choco Tacos.

America's unfortunate downfall was documented to have started when MTV stopped airing music videos and became a camera left on a trailer home. Her industries became a self-perpetuating machine fanning the flames of gossip and competition between ARTISTS and OTHER ARTISTS and THE VERVE'S "BITTERSWEET SYMPHONY" (which was rumored to become the new national anthem subsequent to Cruel Intentions' release in 1999).

We like to think America has moved on to a better place, and doing what she loves most: listening to "Bittersweet Symphony," watching HSN (DON'T WORRY SUZANNE SOMERS WE'LL ALWAYS LOVE YOU AND YOUR HORMONE CREAMS ARE THESE ON SALE THIS WEEK), and reading Buzzfeed.com.

P.S. In other news, we heard Ben Affleck was cast as "Syria." CRAZY, right?!?!


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