Tuesday, August 13, 2013

Horoscopes

ARIES
You're feeling unsure about whether you should pursue career opportunities or romantic possibilities. Do neither. Read "Madame Bovary" and do some RatchetSauce. It's this new drug that ALL the kids are doing (2 tsp Codeine, 1 tsp bath salts, 1/2 tsp of Selsun Blue, and 1 lbs of Olive Garden Endless Breadsticks®. Mix well. Serve at room temperature). Cry furiously into your less-than-impressive Chia Pet and watch An Inconvenient Truth. What is your inconvenient truth? Mine is youth.

TAURUS
Feeling uncertain about making the right decision? Questioning if your life is going in the right direction? Can you believe it's not butter? Do not lose sleep over thoughts that overwhelm you such as wondering if you can pay your rent this month, if your relationship is stable, and what Narnia's stance on gay marriage is.

GEMINI
A cancer will fall in love with you and you will break their heart resulting in a very bitter cancer, BUT IT'S OKAY BECAUSE HIS BITTERNESS IS HIS TICKET TO COMEDIC NOTORIETY ON THE INTERNET SO IT'S FINE FOR F/W 2013.  

CANCER
Oh, those summer nights! You've got a tough road ahead of you, cancer. Be wary of meeting Javier from OkCupid.com because he's into butt stuff. But so are you, you dirty slut!!!! He'll TOTALLY let you jerk him off with your tears. Do not be scared to try new things!

LEO
Passionate leo, beware, for the stars are out to FUCK YOU UP. You will walk into White House|Black Market and because your name isn't "Vivian", you will be rolled up in an oriental rug and thrown into an estuary. If your name is Vivian, then you will receive a complimentary tote and something saucy from the latest fall collection sure to invigorate those dormant man-juices your husband has been anxiously awaiting to discharge like a broken fire hydrant in Brooklyn during the summer.

VIRGO
Well, well, well you hot-headed little virgin you! Do YOU think you got what it takes to be America's Next Top Prude? Because MAYBE you do! Stop saying things like "gosh," "darn," and "pass the Gardisil!!!" because we're judging you in our heads.

LIBRA
You're feeling FIRED UP this month, Libra! Dip your hair in blood and write WHO CARES? on the University of Phoenix's office windows as soon as you find out which gas station it's behind, because RIGHT???

SCORPIO
You like to make progress, particularly in your professional life. Be sure to write an exceptional cover letter and refrain from ending sentences in prepositions because your future employer is a total grammar nit-picker Jew-empress. Question your decisions and thoroughly think through ALL your options before executing your final choice. Review modifying clauses and splitting infinitives.

SAGITTARIUS 
Be sure to spend lots of time with loved ones in the next two weeks. Have your family over and offer them some wine such as Pinot Grigio, Chardonnay, or Denny's Grand Slamvignon.

CAPRICORN 
Do whatever Suze Orman says.

AQUARIUS 
You are feeling DEMANDING! Sheesh! You will find yourself standing outside your favorite One Direction member's house yelling yourself hoarse until they agree to take you out for 2 for $20 at Applebee's. Do NOT order the fajitas. You will find $10 on the ground outside on the parking lot. If you ordered the fajitas (after I specifically told you NOT too, you rebellious, dirty, probably-cried-during-the-critical reading-portion-of-the-SATs, Aquarius, you), then use the $10 to treat yourself to a colonic.

PISCES 
Things are going to be a roller coaster for you in the next few weeks, Pisces. Stand your ground! Tell Mr. Clean that you will NOT smell his fingers anymore. But be prepared to get in trouble! You will be fined $5,000 and a piece of your 401K will be shredded for breathing too heavily on the scones at Williams-Sonoma. You will get kicked out of a Trans-Siberian Orchestra concert for taking too much NyQuil and maiming a fog machine. Ugh! You mess!

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