Tuesday, September 10, 2013

LEAKED: Latest Apple iPhone Features

New information regarding upcoming iPhone models have surfaced on the web today. Check out the details below:

Apple prepares to unveil the new iPhone 5S (S=Syria), iPhone 5C (C=Cyrus), iPhone SMH, and iPhone y=mx+b.

Each new model offers exponentially improved features and a complimentary sense of self-righteousness! For example: the iPhone 5C is better at douching than the iPhone 5 (read as: BASIC-ASS MODEL.) Siri's voice on the iPhone 5S is replaced with Morgan Freeman's. Under general settings, you can change the voice option of your iPhone 5C to the sounds of lower class people sighing.

BONUS FEATURE (for iPhone y=mx+b ONLY): These new iPhones are actually TRANSFORMERS! Just have you and your friends load Candy Crush Saga on your iPhones, put your phones next to each other, and watch your iPhones come together to form one big lonely adult!!!

New apps include: Bindr (locates nearest available binders near you ;)))), ChristPee (notifies you when to take a bathroom break during a baptism), DoucheSquare (check in at your local Ed Hardy retail store here!), and ShaBane (this detects what Bane from The Dark Knight Rises is saying and translates it into something comprehendible for the user to understand.)

Prices for upcoming models are as follows:

iPhone 5S (gluten-free): $325+tax
iPhone 5C (may contain nuts): $350+a copy of your school ID picture from your senior year of high school
iPhone SMH: $375+a coat made out of someone who failed their GEDs
iPhone y=mx+b: A shard of JonBenét Ramsey's beauty pageant tiara

Colors include: Off-white, white, Texas church bake sale-white, red, green, yellow, and Pumpkin Spice Latte.

DISCLAIMER: Must purchase newest version of iPhone within 10 minutes of release or your current iPhone will turn into a RAZR and post pictures of the posters you hung above your bed in junior high on the internet. 

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