Thursday, January 30, 2014

What Your Instagram Filter Says About You

AMARO: Maybe she's born with, maybe it's AMARO! This filter delivers the translucent, pasty-white effect you desire. You wish to regain the purity you once knew as a child. Is that First Communion getting a little bit too saucy? Recapture its purity by applying Amaro to that holy (read as: FLAGRANT DISPLAY OF BLASPHEMY!!!) selfie (read as: selfie) you took with your prepubescent, vegan-friendly cousins.

MAYFAIR: You like to live your life like it's a Folgers commercial. The warm hues of Mayfair reveal your affinity for tradition and presenting yourself with restraint and grace. You believe in values, musk, and Walmart. You love the finer things in life and hate when your petulant daughter talks over your favorite NPR segment... and that makes you ever so pissed.

RISE: You own The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants on Blu-Ray.

HUDSON: This filter tells us your Etsy wish-list is mostly filled with shitty jewelry made out of seashells.

VALENCIA: Selecting this bullshit Cracker Barrel-filter is a great way to tell the world you cried at Pottery Barn once.

X-PRO II: Whoa, whoa, whoa! Everyone watch out for Pac-Sun McMaroon 5 over here! KOWABUNGA!!!! You like to live life on the edge and enjoy accentuating your golden skin EXPONENTIALLY more with this fun filter! You don't blink once at that rash on your thigh because who gives a titty?!

SIERRA: You're a firm proponent of Dannon Activia and have a crush on one out of every three people on your G-Chat.

WILLOW: This filter tells us the questionable posters you hung above your bed in junior high are sequestered to a small space on your wall. BUT THEY'RE STILL THERE YOU UNLIMITED CHASM OF EMOTIONAL TURBULENCE!!!!

LO-FI: You are in denial about MySpace's demise. Remember the visual napalm of your Photobooth-edited profile pictures? Swoon, those were the days, huh? You have the emotional capacity of a 14 year-old cheerleader and spend the majority of your day missing the ability to custom-HTML your social media profile.

EARLYBIRD: You know what they say!!! The earlybird gets the D, you big ol' slut!

SUTRO: You pretentious prick. This filter conveys your annoying habit of telling everyone how much you love Brooks Brothers and kale. You like to scream out lengthly Starbucks orders when you orgasm.

TOASTER: Your closet is 75% Northface and you hobbies include reading, hiking, and Tori Spelling.

BRANNAN: This weird-ass filter is the Chris Kirkpatrick of Instagram. Choosing it reflects your status as a social anomaly. You gave your second grade Valentine a card made out of blood and mulch. You also probably own a graphic tee with a wolf on it.

INKWELL: This bleak filter says that your Google search history is mostly "DIY hexes" and "is the Blair Witch lonely?" You are the opposite of Amaro. You harbor aspirations to be America's Next Top Goth Holocaust Denier.

WALDEN: Life isn't a Pixar movie, you delusional dimwit.

HEFE: You're a godless heathen and your Wifi network is probably named "ugh666." The glare on your computer screen from the sun makes you forget the breathing exercises you learned in therapy.

NASHVILLE: Yee-haw, right??????!!!!!!!!

1977: Does anyone even remember 1977, I mean c'mon. You like to pretend it happened, just like "The Big Bang" and "Obamacare."

KELVIN: You know 90% of the dialogue from 'Two and A Half Men.' You tend to avoid negativity and are a strong believer in fiscal responsibility. FUCK TEENAGERS.

Thursday, January 16, 2014

2014 Horoscopes

You feel the overwhelming need to give back. Participate in a fundraiser! Join relief efforts that aid third world countries! Go to the local park and talk to teens about the dangers of YOLO.

Money is tight (read as: scarce) these days (read as: but not on Tuesdays, Two-Buck Chuck is on sale at Trader Joe's, HUZZAH!!!!!). You're not in a high enough tax bracket to have your ketchup served in a ramekin. Don't over-indulge in fine dining! Save money by renting something cute like Serendipity or Schindler's List and split a bag of fish sticks with your lover.


Your overwhelming sensitive nature is crippling you, Cancer. Act on the impulse to dye your hair black. Speak in euphemisms. Sublet the bottom of a well. Don't let it all get to you.

Refrain from social interaction with certain people. Don't trust a senior citizen with black hair because they will  FUCK YOU UP. If you have an uncle named "Ray",  bring a flare gun to that upcoming family reunion. Chances are he's feeling frisky.

Spontaneity is your key to happiness this year, Virgo! Buy that car you've always dreamed of, sleep in a creek, cry wolf!!! Why the fuck not?!?!?!

If your name is Lynette, you'll probably make cinnamon brioche french toast at some point. But that french toast will give someone food poisoning, you godless heathen!!! Also, stop emasculating your husband. Also, stop. Cufflinks and brooches, IDK.

The world is sorta decent if you don't leave the house.

Someone named Susan "Flagrant Display of Civic Virtue" Johnson wants to take you to the community blood drive. Her overbearing nature will illicit responses from you like: "maybe," "I'm not sure," and "I mean, I guess I could." Fortunately for you, you lucky Sag, your indecisive nature will make her pull over into a parking lot for a brief panic attack. Fortunately for you, you fat fuck, that parking lot is at a Friendly's! Treat yourself to a two-scoop sundae.

You desire progress in your love life. To help that impetus, you must love yourself first! Buy yourself a new, fun outfit! Take a warm bath. SPRAY PAINT THE GRASS BLACK OUTSIDE YOUR EX'S HOUSE.

Allegedly, someone close to you has been feeling blue and not like themselves lately. Buy them an everything bagel. Try to convince them that everything is going to be okay.Tell them their new hair is adorable. HE NEEDS THIS, AQUARIUS.

Yes, he saw all of those texts.