Thursday, January 16, 2014

2014 Horoscopes

Aries
You feel the overwhelming need to give back. Participate in a fundraiser! Join relief efforts that aid third world countries! Go to the local park and talk to teens about the dangers of YOLO.

Taurus
Money is tight (read as: scarce) these days (read as: but not on Tuesdays, Two-Buck Chuck is on sale at Trader Joe's, HUZZAH!!!!!). You're not in a high enough tax bracket to have your ketchup served in a ramekin. Don't over-indulge in fine dining! Save money by renting something cute like Serendipity or Schindler's List and split a bag of fish sticks with your lover.

Gemini
Ugh

Cancer
Your overwhelming sensitive nature is crippling you, Cancer. Act on the impulse to dye your hair black. Speak in euphemisms. Sublet the bottom of a well. Don't let it all get to you.

Leo
Refrain from social interaction with certain people. Don't trust a senior citizen with black hair because they will  FUCK YOU UP. If you have an uncle named "Ray",  bring a flare gun to that upcoming family reunion. Chances are he's feeling frisky.

Virgo
Spontaneity is your key to happiness this year, Virgo! Buy that car you've always dreamed of, sleep in a creek, cry wolf!!! Why the fuck not?!?!?!

Libra
If your name is Lynette, you'll probably make cinnamon brioche french toast at some point. But that french toast will give someone food poisoning, you godless heathen!!! Also, stop emasculating your husband. Also, stop. Cufflinks and brooches, IDK.

Scorpio
The world is sorta decent if you don't leave the house.

Sagittarius
Someone named Susan "Flagrant Display of Civic Virtue" Johnson wants to take you to the community blood drive. Her overbearing nature will illicit responses from you like: "maybe," "I'm not sure," and "I mean, I guess I could." Fortunately for you, you lucky Sag, your indecisive nature will make her pull over into a parking lot for a brief panic attack. Fortunately for you, you fat fuck, that parking lot is at a Friendly's! Treat yourself to a two-scoop sundae.

Capricorn
You desire progress in your love life. To help that impetus, you must love yourself first! Buy yourself a new, fun outfit! Take a warm bath. SPRAY PAINT THE GRASS BLACK OUTSIDE YOUR EX'S HOUSE.

Aquarius
Allegedly, someone close to you has been feeling blue and not like themselves lately. Buy them an everything bagel. Try to convince them that everything is going to be okay.Tell them their new hair is adorable. HE NEEDS THIS, AQUARIUS.

Pisces
Yes, he saw all of those texts.

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