Monday, June 23, 2014

Why You Should Date Someone Who Wears an Ankle Monitor (And 7 Other Things You Should Do In Your 20’s)

1. Date someone who wears an ankle monitor
Because they will be the one who won't get away. 

2. Live in a satanic windmill
Because there's no such thing as building too much character in your 20's.

3. Delete Tinder, Grindr, and OkCupid...and download B-Keep
Find local single beekeepers in your area!!!

4. Dip your hair in blood and write 'WTF' on a college's financial aid office window, because RIGHT????
With the exorbitant cost of attending higher education exponentially increasing, why NOT raise awareness to make education more affordable?

5. Start a punk band
Call it something FUN and MARKETABLE, like The Sexual Pen Pals or the Marlboro Menthol Maidens.

6. Travel
Go see the world. Go make beads in India and meditate on the time you sported a center part in your hair freshman year. Throw your iPhone against a wall at Stonehenge. Take a blood oath on a gay cruise. The world is yours.

7. Take an adult evening computer class at your local community college
Invite your peers over for tapas and talk about how much you fucking love summer solstice. 

8. Embrace the crippling anxiety regarding the general trajectory of your future
Average student loan debt climbed to $29,400 in 2013.

Sunday, June 1, 2014

8 Easy Steps to Alleviate Writer's Block

Few things are worse, like e-mails typed in Comic Sans or anal skin tags, than writer’s block. I’ve compiled a list of eight steps to combat creative constipation when it strikes:

1. Scream

2. Read something similar to what you’re writing about by someone else and gently paraphrase what they wrote.

3. Don’t do #2.

4. Do anything you can to take your mind off whatever is giving you a block. Take a walk, read one of your favorite books, or peruse Etsy for 33 hours straight for DIY spring themed ankle bracelets. This will re-charge your creative batteries and allow you to take a breath of fresh creative air that will open your creative passageways. Google “creativity.”

5. Read Yahoo! Answers in a shrill, drunken Southern housewife’s voice and have yourself a hearty, knee-slapping laugh. “Comedy nourishes your mental capacity and allows you to think freely,” (Source:

6. Write a piece called “8 Easy Steps to Alleviate Writer’s Block” and try to stop being blissfully ignorant of your own writer’s block. Attempt to write again.

7. Still nothing.

8. Repeat #1 until the words start flowing again.