Sunday, August 17, 2014

What Your Clothing Says to a Retail Associate

As I prepare to start graduate school in NYC, I've been saving money (and mentally compiling a slew of observations) by working at a consignment boutique. And I know the Internet loves, I mean LOVES, lists. So, here's another one:

Toe ring: You smoked a cigarette in an I-Hop bathroom once.

Camo pants: You bought a giftcard to Applebee's at 3 A.M. at a gas station once.

Tie dye maxi dress and DIY autumnal-colored earrings: You have a WholeFoods card on your keychain and ran your own psychic hotline in college to make an extra buck.

Modest tunic: Your friends call you "Ms. Flagrant Display of Civic Virtue" behind your back.

A pastel colored suit: You've written a scathing Yelp review about a strip mall store that sells windchimes.

Linen pants and any jewelry designed by Brighton: You fucking love tapas.

Intensely hued headband: You ask a lot of questions regarding the ambiguity of an assignment's due date and everyone in your class hates you for it because class could have been let out early.

Matching athletic wear and a headband: You're fucking adamant about getting ice cream TOGETHER as a GROUP after the scrimmage.

Vera Bradley bag: You have tickets to see Ingrid Michaelson this weekend.

Vera Bradley bag with matching Vera Bradley wallet: You're going to buy more Vera Bradley.

(Menswear) Tommy Bahama: You've dropped your AMEX into a ramekin filled with ketchup once.

Brooks Brothers: You're in a high enough tax brackett to have your ketchup served in a ramekin.

A crossbody bag with a shirt that says something inspirational on it: You bought the Love and Other Drugs deluxe DVD package just to watch the bonus deleted scenes.

JNCO's: Your credit card will be declined.

Gladiator sandals: You've Shazam'd the intro song for a show on MTV.

A Talbots suit and a strand of pearls: You have an ashtray next to a rotary phone that somehow always has a perpetually lit cigarette in it.

Designer sunglasses: You can only be reached via assistant.


  1. This list is absolutely hilarious. Loved it!

    But what does it mean if you don't wear any of these things? :)

    1. thank you!

      and it means i still have yet to unfairly judge you!

      i'm kidding, you're great xo