Wednesday, June 10, 2015

Beyoncé Announces Pledge to Veganism, Beekeepers In Panic

On Monday singer Beyoncé Knowles, who goes by the moniker “Beyoncé,” went on Good Morning America to reveal the future of her dietary trajectory.

The 33-year old last Destiny Child standing teased her vegan announcement prior to appearing on the early-as-fuck TV program that only full-time employed dads and sad substitute teachers watch and subsequently disappointed her entire fan base who had hopes for another album or tour.

It was the “WTF” heard around the world: thousands of devoted Beyoncé fans took to the streets (and by the streets we do mean the updated 2015 version: “took to Instagram”) to express their anger and disappoint in the form of thousands of meticulously curated emojis. But their animosity has spread way past social media.

Several members of the “beehive” were reportedly sent to the hospital after experiencing minor trauma from excessive Internet trolling. However, many more were sent to the hospital after physically assaulting a slew of active beehives across the nation in a blind rage.

Beekeepers around the nation are paralyzed with fear that angry “stans” will leave their honey bee colonies in complete disarray and chaos, leaving thousands, if not millions and trillions--JK more like thousands because the bee population is decreasing at an alarming rate due to phenomenon known as colony collapse disorder—but OMG soon bees will be the PERFECT #TBT LOL—without a hive to come back to.

The New York Beekeeper Association has released a statement regarding the recent line of attacks: “Stop.”

Although the unwarranted attacks seem to be subsiding due to attention being shifted to supermodel Kate Moss being kicked off a plane and allegedly calling the pilot a ‘basic bitch,’ Beyoncé is still standing strong with her plan to remain vegan. Although there are no future plans for a studio release, tour, or Blue Ivy follow-up, the singer asks that you stop harassing the beekeeping community. 

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